If Different Types of Coffee Were People
Alright, this one’s going to be fun. In this article, we’re going to talk about what it would look like if different types of coffee were people.
We’re going to explore prep styles, drink types, and maybe even roasts and beans. Nothing is sacred, and nothing is off the table.
Now listen, we’re not trying to make any major scientific claims (though there is some science at the end of the article), or jumpstart our concepts for a new streaming animated series. With our tongues firmly planted in our cheeks, we’re going to poke fun at broadly stroked stereotypes for a laugh.
We hope you’re ready for some good-natured fun. Now let’s begin.
See if You Can Find Yourself or Someone You Know
(And don’t be afraid to mix and match.)
Traditional Brew
The backbone of society. This smiling good neighbor understands when you need to step out of line to grab the milk you forgot. This person is the lowkey hero keeping the country sane.
Hand Pour-Over
This is the person that goes the extra mile for sure, but if we’re being honest, they can also be a little extra. When they’re not picking up cage-free, organic, brown eggs at Target, they still seem to have an overabundance of disposal time, and we’re jealous.
French Press
Their battle cry is “no thank you, I’ll do it myself.” Whether its washing their car, bringing their own food to dinner, or anything else, this person knows what they want, and are watchful every step of the way to make sure it happens. They’d never trust a machine to brew their coffee…
Cold Brew
Now here is a person who knows exactly what they want, and they’re patient enough to do what it takes to get it. Are they picky about what bottled water they drink, and how firm their tomatoes are? Yes. But we love how organized and driven they are.
Aeropress
This is the practical person who has a fully organized garage and owns the exact right tool for everything. They do tend to collect old, weird electronics, and have a vintage vinyl that they think is worth a lot, but it’s totally not.
Percolator
This person still has a newspaper delivered to their fully paid-off home (which they’ve lived in for many years). They have a flip phone, and love to take camping trips deep in the wilderness for fun.
Espresso
This is a person that knows the water to coffee ratio to the drop. They have neatly pressed clothes and won’t eat pepper unless it’s freshly cracked over their food. And you know what? As much as we want to hate on them, they’re super organized and usually smell nice.
K-Cups
This person knows how to balance flavor and convenience. If they can, they’ll pay someone else to do any job at hand, but still know how to get their hands dirty when needed. They’re about 6 months to a year behind on any popular TV show, but are up-to-the-minute on the news from whatever industry/hobby/topic they’re infatuated with at the moment.
Instant Coffee
“I just need some caffeine right now okay?” is what they say as you look at them a little bit judge-y. They are way too busy, and take like a week to message you back. But you know what? They’re always there when you really need them.
Coffee Cubes
This early adopter just bought a hand-made cell phone from a tech start-up in Germany. Their phone, computer, and any other device are all seamlessly synced, and it’s actually sort of impressive. It’s insane how many boutique monthly subscriptions they have, but they’re always willing to share, which is cool.
Decaf
This is the person that’s always watching the clock, telling you they can’t have caffeine after a specific time or they’ll be up all night. They tend to be a little high-strung and are a little too concerned with finishing up the leftovers in the fridge before eating out and getting to places early for good parking.
Latte
This person is wearing a cute scarf that looks good even though it’s way to hot for it. They also look great, but are the first person to bring up why they look “thrown together.” They often order something super healthy, but then only eat half of it (and then eat Chik-Fil-A breakfast the following day).
Black Coffee
This straight-laced, no-frills person hasn’t seen a movie in theaters for like, three years holding tight to the manta “Oh, I’ll watch it when it comes to Nettflix.” Whether it’s literal or figurative, a part of them is a hard-boiled detective or ex-military. They’ve also saved a fortune on being “thrifty” (cheapskates).
Cappucino
They’ve found the best way to live life, and they aren’t shy to let you know about it. Everything from how to enjoy the best cup of coffee (cappuccino, of course) to what music is “good” and “bad”, the most annoying thing isn’t how opinionated they are… it’s that they’re right way too often and we hate to admit it.
If JOJO Java K-Cup Flavors Were People
Alright, so we can also poke some fun at ourselves. Here are some sweeping, satirical oversimplifications of “if JOJO Java K-Cups were people.”
JOJO JAVA Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee Pods
A Jimmy-Buffet listening beach-dweller with hemp sandals and “naturally sourced” skincare products. Maybe some dreadlocks, but definitely a deep thinker who enjoys a great cup of coffee.
JOJO JAVA Light Roast Artisan Coffee Pods
A soft-spoken mid-western woodworker with a big heart and strong, calloused hands. They definitely enjoy a quiet evening and have a warm smile.
JOJO JAVA Peanut Butter Cookie Coffee Pods
That person with a sweet tooth who’s always noshing on something they baked themselves. Their whimsical fashion sense works perfectly for their inventive, creative personality. They’ve got warm cookies in the oven as we speak.
JOJO JAVA White Chocolate Mocha Coffee Pods
That person who gets super excited when the big retail chains start putting out Christmas decorations in mid-August. They decorate for every holiday, but Christmas is the big dance, and they’re not shy about pulling out their decorations long before Thanksgiving. But you know what? They’re always spreading cheer.
What Does the Science Actually Say?
So, aside from our fun, anecdotal look at “what if coffee were people”, there is actually some scientific evidence regarding the topic. The study seeks to find an actual relationship between the type of coffee a person drinks and that person’s personality.
One thousand coffee drinkers were observed and studied under the watchful eye of Dr. Ramani Durvasala, a clinical psychologist. The study took a close look at various facets of the participant's personalities and psychological traits. No stone was left unturned as the study explored:
- Social meekness or boldness
- Introversion or extroversion
- Patience or impatience
- Sensitivity or callousness
- Coldness or warmth
And more.
These one thousand participants were given a survey that asked all manner of questions. Things like how they plan various aspects of their lives to how they handle different social situations. In addition to the questions about how they behaved and what their personal situational preferences were, they were also asked if they drank coffee, and if so exactly what kind.
Here are some of the results that the study yielded based on coffee types and personality.
Instant Coffee Drinkers: They were in the middle in terms of being traditional or being accepting of new ideas and processes. The study did show that they were more likely to be reactive and let life “happen to them.” They were shown to be laidback overall, and while they were able to see the big picture, they also showed tendencies of procrastination (even in basic things like health and wellness).
Black Coffee Drinkers: The research showed they were more likely to be considered purists or “old school. They showed traits of being quiet and dismissive, as well as being moody and set in their ways. They kept things simple, and overall were more patient, and were efficient at getting things done.
Frappe Drinkers: For the sake of this experiment it was said that a frappe is a blended or frozen coffee drink. Frappe drinkers in the study showed themselves to be creative, and have a sense of wonder– but it was edged with a streak of spontaneity. They were the most open to new things, and tended to be comfortable socially being more likely to set a trend than to follow one. They loved the idea of quick fixes and were also more likely to be a bit careless.
Cream and Sugar: Also known as lattes, these are the people who preferred to put milk, cream, and or sugar to their black coffee. These people were more likely to seek comfort, but surprisingly showed tendencies of being people-pleasers. On the upside, they would go the extra mile to help someone else, but this could cause them to become stretched too thin. They were very honest and open, but sometimes forgot to think of themselves.
Decaf and Specialty: For the sake of the study, this is anyone who ordered something out of the norm for their coffee. Things like preferring decaf, or a certain kind of non-dairy milk, etc. The study showed that it was important for them to be in control, even to the point of being considered selfish. They showed tendencies of perfectionism which had some positive benefits when it came to their health. They were considered to be more sensitive than some others and had a propensity to worry with a strong focus on following the letter of the law.
The study was with 1,000 people, so the data sample was very small– but there are definitely patterns to be found.
With that said, even Dr. Durvasula stated that even though the research was thorough that the findings aren’t definitive or fully conclusive. She mentioned that there were people within the study who represented tendencies far outside of the norm of what was exhibited by others.
Don’t forget that these types of coffee drinks themselves also have stigmas surrounding them, and that people are sometimes drawn to the things that they want to represent them. For instance, is a straightforward person who wants to appear strong and stoic drinking black coffee to further that stigma? Would they feel self-conscious with a soy latte in their hand? So we need to also consider that this could absolutely be a chicken and egg scenario.
If you drink any of those drinks where do you fall on the spectrum?
Want to Know a Secret?
While these sorts of articles are tons of fun, the real secret is that every coffee drinker is unique. And here at JOJO Java, we’re accepting of all folks, from all walks of life, with all kinds of coffee preferences.
Overall, you’re an individual, and what you eat and drink is only a small part of the awesome person you are.
With that said, we do put out the challenge every now and then to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new.
It’s time to try some JOJO Java K-Cups (and take a chance on a flavor that you’ve never tried before, or haven’t tried in a while).
Our coffee is roasted and packaged in small batches so it’s always fresh and delicious. Grab your JOJO Java K-Cups now.
Written By: Tim Kearney